Your Mistake

-------- Original Message --------
Subject:
Your Mistake
Date:
Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:51:44 -0800
From:
Jackson Snead
Reply-To:
merlininvic@shaw.ca
To:
feedback@bmo.com
Dear Bank Of Montreal
My Aunt Marge was dyslexic and used to pray to dog for forgiveness.
Although her German Shepherd was well treated and enjoyed an exalted
position in her house, she probably went to hell.
Regardless, she never discovered her error and went through her entire
life believing that dogs were the way to salvation.
Part of that was my fault for never telling her, but I didn’t like her
and figured I would just let her walk her own path; where-ever it may lead.
Luckily, I like you at the Bank Of Montreal, so out of love, I feel
obligated to point out an error that you have been making for many
years. Please do not take this as criticism of your intelligence or
integrity or anything else. It’s just a spelling mistake and that’s all.
Everybody makes mistakes and most people never even saw this one. I only
caught it because of my previous experience with Aunt Marge.
Anyway, I just wanted to point out that your initials are actually
B.O.M. not B.M.O. as I see all over your ads and hear on the radio.
Sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but I guess I feel some
guilt about letting Aunt Marge slide down the slippery slope to
purgatory. Perhaps I can make it up by helping others such as you folks
at B.O.M..
Please let me know if this helps.
Thank you,
Jackson Snead

Dear Jackson,
Thank you for contacting BMO Bank of Montreal This is Linda and I appreciate the opportunity to respond.
I can advise that ‘BMO’ is the chosen abbreviation of the name 'Bank of Montreal'. Since ‘BOM’ would be the abbreviation in English for 'Bank of Montreal', and in French the abbreviation would be ‘BDM’ for 'Banque de Montréal', the abbreviation 'BMO' is used, as it is accepted in both official languages of Canada. In addition, the Toronto Stock Exchange and other trading indexes have assigned BMO Financial Group the abbreviation ‘BMO’, which is another reason why this abbreviation was chosen to represent BMO Bank of Montreal and BMO Financial Group.

We appreciate you contacting BMO Bank of Montreal and would like to wish you and your family the very best for the Holiday Season.
Sincerely,
Linda Holt
BMO Bank of Montreal Direct Banking

Hard To Train

Dear Canadian National Railway

I am putting on the Thirteenth Annual Praxton Valley Film Festival this January. As usual we are asking for your participation, even though it's just a formality given your prior cooperation. Unfortunately, this year the arts council has mandated us to show the work of several film makers whom we despise. We are being forced into it with the threat of losing our government funding. (I suspect it has something to do with Agnes Littledwarf's divorce as her ex works for the government.) Anyway, this year we have to feature the art films of the Backyard Arts Revival Fellowship. This untalented group of Neanderthals have created a mish-mash of crappy images that are best suited for lining the floors of incontinent monkey cages. However, since we have to show the films in a public space at an appointed time and no self respecting theatre owner wants to be associated with these filmmakers, we are availing ourselves of a loophole in the contract which allows the film to be shown on a train as it passes through our area. While we would rather leave the film on the track for your train to demolish, I am sympathetic to your probable concern that one of your crew is likely to have to clean the film-crap off the wheels. Regardless, would it be possible to obtain a schedule for the train as it passes through our fine valley on January 15th to 21st so that we may schedule the projection for the appropriate time? We will set up a projector about 25 feet from the track at the level crossing on Prince St. and run the film to project on the side of the train as it passes by. We will inform you of the projection night once we are able to see the schedule. We don?t want to startle any of your crew.

Thanks, Albert Swinehinderson
>
CONTACT@CN.CA wrote:
Albert Swinehinderson:

Can you please supply the location for this request. Where is the crossing, street, closest cross street, city/province.


Thank You
Have A Safe Day
Larry
CN Public Inquiries


----------------------------
From: merlininvic@shaw.ca
Sent: Thursday, December 4, 2008 11:23:04 AM
To: CONTACT@CN.CA
CC:
Subject: Re: Schedule


Dear Larry

Thanks for your quick response. There has been another twist in the ongoing dispute about the Backyard Arts Revival Fellowship’s films. Apparently, after a private screening by Mayor Wallace and council, it was determined the film (Hose-Monster Fed-ex) violates several local bylaws and has actually been banned from our town.(Vehemently) While this initially seemed like the death knell of our little festival, once again, innovative thinking by Pearl Anderson saved the day. We are still eligible for the funding if our films are shown at any venue which would be considered an upgrade from the original location. When queried, the film makers agreed that a Vancouver screening would be acceptable and so we have chosen the level crossing at East Kent Ave N and Crompton St in Vancouver. We can show it on the side of the train facing the river so drivers along East Kent are not insulted and with the salmon runs over there should be little or no environmental impact. Hopefully, the noise from the train will drown out any soundtrack and the flickering of the train cars as they pass should obliterate most of the plot. Our staff will pass out special no-d glasses (similar to 3-d glasses but much darker) to those people who insist upon looking. Your organization will of course be shielded from liability and we will repair any paint that peels as a result of the film. Unfortunately we have to show the film after 8 pm and before midnight so if you have any trains passing that way then, please let me know. We will have a defibrillator onsite.

Thanks, Albert Swinehinderson

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Re: Schedule
Date: Thu, 04 Dec 2008 11:31:22 -0600
From: CONTACT@CN.CA
To: merlininvic@shaw.ca


Good morning,

The rail line going through this area belongs to Canadian Pacific Railways. I have forwarded your email to them at community_connect@cpr.ca for their handling. You can also reach them at 800 555 7912.


Thank you
Have a safe day!
Susan
Public Inquiries- Canadian National Railways

She has passed me on to the other railway company which owns the crossing we have picked and she thinks she is done with me, but not quite.

Dear Susan

Thanks for getting back to me. You guys are right on top of this and I appreciate it. Anyway, I know you are not aware of this, but CP will probably not cooperate with us as we had a bit of a run in with them a few years ago when we allowed performance art as well as films. Understandably, no one expected “The Artist Formerly Known as Pootface Puddin’ Pop” to install a 40 ft balloon dog as though it were peeing on their trains as they passed by. It would have been a fine example of children’s party art had he not included a few inappropriate twists and embellished it with a fire hose. And despite having a cleaning effect on the train, it was overshadowed by the events which followed as the dog became snagged on the caboose and dragged by it’s "fire hose" for several miles through the city.

Anyway, as we have now cleared the possibility of an offsite location for the screening, could you please let me know where you might have some level crossings that we may be able to access for our festival?

If you could give me three locations I’m sure I could get approval for one of them if I bring case of beer to the negotiating table.

Thanks Albert Swinehinderson

Now comes an email from Canadian Pacific Railways Just to Clarify their position on the matter...

----- Original Message -----
From: CANADIAN PACIFIC RAILWAYS
To: merlininvic@shaw.ca
Sent: Thursday, December 04, 2008 1:43 PM
Subject: Re: Schedule re:film showing Vancouver, BC

Hello Mr. Swinehinderson

Your email was forwarded to me at Canadian Pacific by the Canadian National Railway, as the location at Crompton and Kent Ave SE is adjacent to Canadian Pacific tracks.

Canadian Pacific takes the safety of our employees and the public very seriously, and will not permit the showing of a movie on the side of our freight trains at any location. The land adjacent to the tracks is CP private property, and any use by non railway personnel is trespassing, and subject to stiff penalties. We do not permit access by the public to our property, and have serious concerns regarding your request. Additionally, for reasons of safety and security, we do not provide information regarding train times to the public. We ask that you find an alternate location for the showing of the movie.

Kind regards,

Cindy Black

Community Connect Advisor
Canadian Pacific Railway
1-800-555-7912
community_connect@cpr.ca

The CP Holiday Train is celebrating its 10th year of raising food, money and awareness for Food Banks across North America. Visit www.cpr.ca


To: Canadian National Railway

Dear Susan

As suspected CP won’t have anything to do with us. They are probably still upset about The Artist Formerly Known as Pootface Puddin’ Pop’s insulting gestures during the trial. Even though he billed it as a performance art piece and entitled it “Good Posture for All”, nobody was buying that. Have you had a chance to identify any crossings that might suit our needs?

We’d be happy with anything in the suburbs of any major city except Edmonton. Near a dump would be fine.

Thanks Albert



Mr. Swinehinderson,

For safety and security reasons, CN does not permit individuals or organizations access to railway property, nor does CN release train schedules. The scenario you are proposing - to show films off the side of moving trains - presents a potentially dangerous situation that would risk having individuals close to rail lines. This is not something CN will allow.

Alice Lindsay
CN Public Affairs


Dear Alice,

Oh, I give up. Maybe we’ll go try the airport.

Albert

I'm sorry Canada, the Prime Minister doesn't take this matter seriously enough to reply.

Dear Mr Harper,
I apologize for our employee’s behaviour during the recent gathering of world leaders at your residence, especially given his delicate assignment as head translator. Albert was one of our finest multi-linguists and ironically, responsible for our Equal Opportunity Employer Award. Unfortunately, this latest incident proves to me that while Tourette’s syndrome is well understood in every day society, it is not as widely accepted in diplomatic circles.
I don’t know exactly when Albert’s medication wore off, but it was probably somewhere between calling George Bush “Happy Pants Pinocchio” and declaring Vladimir Putin a nappy-headed, smelly fish wrestler.
Certainly his rendition of Queen Elizabeth casting a voodoo curse on Mr. Mandela was inaccurate and unhelpful.
However, upon video review, we feel no need to take responsibility for the destruction of the food carts or the goldfish as Albert had been restrained with duct tape by that point.
We regret that our translator has caused the mobilization of three hostile navies, but our company policy forbids refunds. Instead, as a goodwill gesture, I am authorized to extend to you a 10% reduction on our translating fee for the upcoming coastal negotiations.
Thank You,
Jackson Snead

Karma Credits; No one will reply, not even David Suzuki

Dear Sirs
In accordance with the efforts to minimize negative karma build up in the developed world, specifically the G-8 nations. We have started a program to issue and distribute karma credits. This will be particularly useful to those people, companies and governments who wish to continue with their nefarious endeavours but have a hard time sleeping at night. Through our program, karma credits can purchased from innocent children living in third world countries who have very clean karma accounts and an abundance of previously worthless karma credits.
This will continue until such time as their karma credits are all sold and they reach the equivalent karma level as those of us in the developed world.
Since there are so many underprivileged children living in third world countries, there are billions of karma credits to be had at rock bottom prices. For example, the karma generated by hitting a dog can be offset with as little as 15 cents sent to a Botswanian school child. The karma for lying under oath in front of a grand jury will only cost you $5 dollars and can be added to your phone bill. The cost of credits can be adjusted to compensate for any deed from wedgies on your little brother to war on peaceful nations. This program will enable business as usual to continue throughout the developed world while alleviating any nagging guilt in the hearts and minds of the transgressors. We think everyone will agree that this is by far the most economical use of funds and an effective method of levelling the global karmic scale.
We would be happy to provide you with a quote for your current karmic account.
To serve you better please let us know if you will be opening a personal, business or national account and please take advantage of our Christmas two for one special until December 23rd.
Thank You,
Albert Swinehinderson
Karma Kredits International

Green Up Your Beef

Dear BC Cattlemen Association,
As you are aware, cattle flatulence is a major source of greenhouse gases. Until now, this was an unfortunate by-produce of creating the food our society needs. Now there is an alternative! You can enhance your green portfolio activities and become a “greener” beef producer by using our product.
I represent FartLights International, Bovine Division; we have pilot lights to burn off the excess gas that is emitted by animals such as cows and short haired dogs.
The FartLight fastens to the tail, near the base, aligned to the animal’s “organic gas dispenser” and creates a spark when the patented sniffer unit detects gas concentrations of combustible levels. The gas pocket is ignited and explodes before it has a chance to dissipate into the atmosphere.
There are several benefits for you as the cattleman. First of all, its fun! A field of cows with exploding farts can be a big draw. People will pay big money to sit on lawn chairs, drink $5.00 beer and watch your cows. The randomness of the initial adjustment period makes it especially exciting during the first 3-4 weeks of installation. You can charge admission or rent them out for special events. A herd moving across an open field at night creates a spectacular moving pyrotechnics display. Throw in a few border collies and you’ve got yourself a show!!! Several of our clients have had success with renting out their herd out for special events such as the forth of July. Apparently, cattle have a marvellous sense of rhythm.
Also, it’s easy to locate your cattle at night.
A dude ranch in Montana has a spectacular night time cattle drive and has not lost a cow since they installed our product on their herd. You can see them from miles away. It’s an awe inspiring sight to watch them wind through mountain passes. It’s kind of like a mini sunrise.
It also makes your cows useful to your ranch hands. One cow tethered upwind will keep a group of men warm all night. You can use them to start your campfire. In fact, if you have a cow in season, your can set her up near the campfire and have fresh prairie oysters off the vine. One cow can blow the balls off about six or seven bulls per hour. It’s entertaining and nutritious! And forget about wolves. Do you know how much a cow farts when being chased by a wolf? Believe me, Bessie is safe, nothing is going to chase that flaming ass around the range, not even space aliens.
And before you ask; yes, you can see large herds from space.
I welcome your questions regarding our product and would like to inform you of the best part about this whole presentation. It’s is all free for you. We are funded by carbon credits and have to install 18 million of these devices in the next 6 months to fulfill our obligations and save the environment.
We would like to send our installers around at a time that is good for you. All we need to know is; how many can we install and when can we do it?
Please reply and let me know.
Thank You,
Albert Swinehinderson
Regional Sales Associate

---- Original Message -----
From: bccattle
To:Albert Swinehinderson
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 2:28 PM
Subject: FW: Green Up Your Beef

Debbie wrote:

Al Gore needs your product more than cows.


-------- Original Message --------
Subject:
Re: Fw: Green Up Your Beef
Date:
Tue, 11 Dec 2007 15:26:24 -0800
From:
Albert Swinehinderson
Reply-To:
merlininvic@shaw.ca
To: Debbie

Dear Debbie,
Thanks for your quick response. For your information, a prototype has been created for politicians but we find that the shear volume of gas tends to burn out our units within minutes of installation. We are optimistic that one can be developed, until then, my best advice is; hold your nose.
Albert Swinehinderson

Zorro's Problem

Dear Shoppers Drug Mart
We have a blind rooster named Zorro. We are very fond of him. He once saved the life of Uncle Bob who had gone snow blind while ice fishing.
Trouble is, every time Zorro wakes up, he thinks it’s a new day and he crows like crazy. It used to be OK when he was younger and he took his cues from the other chickens, but he’s become more assertive and lives by his own rules now. He’s getting on in years too so he cycles through a nap about every 15 minutes. He’s driving us nuts.
Do you think you can get me a chicken sized sleeping pill to help Zorro sleep through the night?
Albert Swinehinderson
---- Original Message -----
From: customerservice@shoppersdrugmart.ca
To: merlininvic@shaw.ca
Sent: Friday, January 11, 2008 6:28 AM
Subject: Re:Zorro's problem

Hello Albert,
Thank you for writing to us. Our Customer Service Representatives are not qualified to provide medical or pharmaceutical advice. Please consult with your local Shoppers Drug Mart Pharmacist or veterinary professional for further assistance.
Please do not hesitate to contact the Customer Service Call Centre at 1-800-SHOPPERs should you have any further questions.

Regards,
Valery
Shoppers Drug Mart Customer Service

West Jet East Jet

Dear West Jet
I was on a flight to St John’s the other day and had a great time aboard your airplane. I really like the personal TV with the maps etc. I am all for the pay-per-view stuff as it gives everyone the option to see premium programming and movies if they want. I also liked the food and beverage service. Your attendants were very nice and I feel like some of them would be friends with me if we could all get together and go out drinking.
There was one thing that confused me though, during the pre-flight safety announcements there was mention of a laboratory at the back of the plane. I’m kind of an armchair scientist and was excited at the prospect of completing one of my little experiments during the flight. I thought it would be like your pay-per-view TV so I brought my credit card with me. To my surprise, there was no laboratory that I could find and when I asked, I was ushered into the bathroom. (It made sense that the room should serve two purposes given the space available aboard your plane, a Boeing 737-600) I looked for a place to swipe my card and unlock all the lab stuff, but to no avail. I know there was a lab in there as the person before me certainly did some sort of science experiment. Maybe they used up all the supplies? Still, I couldn’t find the instructions as to how to access the equipment and by the time I gave up looking, we were landing and I had to return to my seat. (And place the tray-table in the upright position.)
So if I had one tip for you how to improve your airline it would be this; please make the instructions more prominent and accessible for those of us who wish to continue the betterment of mankind by accessing your laboratory when inspiration strikes.
Thanks
Albert Swinehinderson, Amateur Scientist

PS. I think you guys have done a great job of educating the public that you also fly east now. Almost everyone knows.

Dear Albert,
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. I apologize for the delay in response.I'm pleased to hear that the all around service you received from our staff, was excellent. All of our employees are valuable team members; your experience with them is a perfect example why! We are thrilled when their enthusiastic personalities and customer service skills heighten your WestJet experience. In regards to the on board 'laboratory' in the back of the aircraft, I apologize for your disappointment as the flight attendant was referring to the lavatory. Our staff is trained to ensure they fully enunciate their words and their presentation is not given too fast. From what you have shared, I can appreciate your great disappointment as you were fully prepared to utilize any on board lab instruments with the quick swipe of your credit card.In all seriousness, you have raised a valid concern in that it may be difficult for recipients of our announcements to fully understand the boarding directions and safety information that is being given, when our staff do not articulate the message clearly. Mr. Swinehinderson, we appreciate your keen interest in WestJet and look forward to welcoming you on board your next WestJet flight.
Best regards,
Sharron
Guest Relations SpecialistWestJet

Movies That Suck

Name: Albert Swinehinderson
E-mail: merlininvic@shaw.ca
Message: Dear United Airlines
Recently I had the pleasure to fly with your airline to Hawaii and back.
You are to be commended for your innovative and varied methods to
conserve fuel and reduce greenhouse gases. While I'm sure you have many
methods that I am not aware of, it's nice to see you have employed one
which I am sure is a very effective method and one in which the
passengers get to participate. While I don't pretend to be up on all the
physics, it's probably very effective. Of course I am speaking of the
giant sucking vortex caused by the lameness of the movie shown on the
forward video screens which surely helped to draw the airplane towards
its destination.
Also, if the other passengers were like me, they were expending all
their mental energy in willing the plane and in fact, time itself, to
advance as quickly as possible and end the flight. I only noticed a few
people who were not participating but perhaps they were exhausted by
their exertion and passed out.
Regardless, it was a valiant effort on your part to reduce greenhouse
gases and while this may be one of the most obscure methods, it's the
combination of a million things that will help us out of our global
problem.
Thanks for being a good corporate citizen.
Do you have any figures on how many tons of greenhouse gases this saves?
Albert

----- Original Message -----
From: "EliteCustomerCare11Reply"
To:
Sent: Thursday, February 07, 2008 10:51 PM
Subject: RE: United Canada - Support -Ref#: 7095457A

Dear Mr. Swinehinderson,
Your interest in United is appreciated and we appreciate your comments
complementing United Airlines' commitment to the environment.
We are delighted by your comments. Further, your request for the
information regarding the figures on how many tons of greenhouse gases
it saved is appreciated. Please know that for competitive/security
reasons, it is not our policy to release strategic information. Your
understanding is appreciated.
We are grateful for your support and look forward to serving your travel
needs.
Regards,
Soopur Fishra
United Airlines Customer Relations