Friday, April 10, 2009

Green Up Your Beef

Dear BC Cattlemen Association,
As you are aware, cattle flatulence is a major source of greenhouse gases. Until now, this was an unfortunate by-produce of creating the food our society needs. Now there is an alternative! You can enhance your green portfolio activities and become a “greener” beef producer by using our product.
I represent FartLights International, Bovine Division; we have pilot lights to burn off the excess gas that is emitted by animals such as cows and short haired dogs.
The FartLight fastens to the tail, near the base, aligned to the animal’s “organic gas dispenser” and creates a spark when the patented sniffer unit detects gas concentrations of combustible levels. The gas pocket is ignited and explodes before it has a chance to dissipate into the atmosphere.
There are several benefits for you as the cattleman. First of all, its fun! A field of cows with exploding farts can be a big draw. People will pay big money to sit on lawn chairs, drink $5.00 beer and watch your cows. The randomness of the initial adjustment period makes it especially exciting during the first 3-4 weeks of installation. You can charge admission or rent them out for special events. A herd moving across an open field at night creates a spectacular moving pyrotechnics display. Throw in a few border collies and you’ve got yourself a show!!! Several of our clients have had success with renting out their herd out for special events such as the forth of July. Apparently, cattle have a marvellous sense of rhythm.
Also, it’s easy to locate your cattle at night.
A dude ranch in Montana has a spectacular night time cattle drive and has not lost a cow since they installed our product on their herd. You can see them from miles away. It’s an awe inspiring sight to watch them wind through mountain passes. It’s kind of like a mini sunrise.
It also makes your cows useful to your ranch hands. One cow tethered upwind will keep a group of men warm all night. You can use them to start your campfire. In fact, if you have a cow in season, your can set her up near the campfire and have fresh prairie oysters off the vine. One cow can blow the balls off about six or seven bulls per hour. It’s entertaining and nutritious! And forget about wolves. Do you know how much a cow farts when being chased by a wolf? Believe me, Bessie is safe, nothing is going to chase that flaming ass around the range, not even space aliens.
And before you ask; yes, you can see large herds from space.
I welcome your questions regarding our product and would like to inform you of the best part about this whole presentation. It’s is all free for you. We are funded by carbon credits and have to install 18 million of these devices in the next 6 months to fulfill our obligations and save the environment.
We would like to send our installers around at a time that is good for you. All we need to know is; how many can we install and when can we do it?
Please reply and let me know.
Thank You,
Albert Swinehinderson
Regional Sales Associate

---- Original Message -----
From: bccattle
To:Albert Swinehinderson
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 2:28 PM
Subject: FW: Green Up Your Beef

Debbie wrote:

Al Gore needs your product more than cows.

-------- Original Message --------
Re: Fw: Green Up Your Beef
Tue, 11 Dec 2007 15:26:24 -0800
Albert Swinehinderson
To: Debbie

Dear Debbie,
Thanks for your quick response. For your information, a prototype has been created for politicians but we find that the shear volume of gas tends to burn out our units within minutes of installation. We are optimistic that one can be developed, until then, my best advice is; hold your nose.
Albert Swinehinderson


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